I am a mom, a wife, & an often disgruntled lab tech. I write, knit, crochet, cook, & just try to make it. My writing blog is wordsontheceiling.tumblr.com if you'd like to check it out. Thanks for hanging out in my head space! ~D

 

In the immortal words of Cinderella…

Isn’t it funny how you don’t know that you wanted something until it’s gone, or worse, you find out that you weren’t getting it in the first place?

I really thought the NFP roulette this month had caught up to us, and we had a high possibility of adding another little person to the household. That wasn’t the case, however, as Mother Nature greeted me as I opened my eyes yesterday morning with her monthly delivery.

It wouldn’t have been particularly good timing. It would have exponentially increased the stress and chaos, and probably forced some tough financial decisions. It would have been hard and terrifying, as I don’t know how well my body would handle it right now.

We had talked about it, though. I was about to freak out and he was unusually calm, reassuring me that it wouldn’t be a bad thing. We would handle it together, the same way we handled everything else. That had instantly settled me.

I suppose that was the moment I let a tiny seed of hope grow. A happy accident, fate, God, whatever you want to call it… maybe something knew this was what was meant to happen.

I didn’t give it words or even any conscious thought until I was staring at the evidence to the contrary yesterday. And then I was sad. Profoundly sad. Part of me still is. Last night I admitted as much to him and I could tell part of him was disappointed, too. He even said that it would have been an awesome surprise.

So does this mean we should have another baby? I don’t know. My brain and my heart are too busy arguing about that subject to give a clear answer. Logic says no, emotion says yes….. Maybe I can avoid making that decision and leave it up to the powers that be.

Five, for what it’s worth.

1. The picture above is fine example of what we like to say around here is “the bigger the truck, the smaller the….” well, you get the idea. Must be hard to live like that. Sorry ‘bout your d*ck, bro.

2. Trouble 2 popped a fever last night right before bed. We cannot catch a break in our house lately. The pediatrician assures us that it will get better as their immune systems build, but for f$@k’s sake: if we keep going like this, we will have paid a third of a semester of preschool tuition for time we spent at home. *sigh*

3. There’s nothing like a song to inspire a scene, and it’s really cool and exciting for me to stumble across one that perfectly fits a piece I’m working on. Currently: “Wrong Side of Heaven” by Five Finger Death Punch. I know, it doesn’t sound inspirational, but trust me: it works.

4. I was doing a little bit of crochet between patients this afternoon and someone remarked that I sure didn’t have idle hands. I told them that idle hands did the devil’s work, and I’d probably done enough of that already.

5. My doc finally decided to run some more blood work on me because I’ve continued to have some weird feelings in my hands and feet since last week’s episode. Bummer part is that it’s stuff we don’t do here, so I have to wait for a reference lab to get it finished. I hate to wait. Bleh. 

That’s all for now. Going to take some time out with the husband this weekend and then concentrate on the house, so y’all have a good one without me. I’m sure I’ll be lurking at some point…
Five, for what it’s worth.

1. The picture above is fine example of what we like to say around here is “the bigger the truck, the smaller the….” well, you get the idea. Must be hard to live like that. Sorry ‘bout your d*ck, bro.

2. Trouble 2 popped a fever last night right before bed. We cannot catch a break in our house lately. The pediatrician assures us that it will get better as their immune systems build, but for f$@k’s sake: if we keep going like this, we will have paid a third of a semester of preschool tuition for time we spent at home. *sigh*

3. There’s nothing like a song to inspire a scene, and it’s really cool and exciting for me to stumble across one that perfectly fits a piece I’m working on. Currently: “Wrong Side of Heaven” by Five Finger Death Punch. I know, it doesn’t sound inspirational, but trust me: it works.

4. I was doing a little bit of crochet between patients this afternoon and someone remarked that I sure didn’t have idle hands. I told them that idle hands did the devil’s work, and I’d probably done enough of that already.

5. My doc finally decided to run some more blood work on me because I’ve continued to have some weird feelings in my hands and feet since last week’s episode. Bummer part is that it’s stuff we don’t do here, so I have to wait for a reference lab to get it finished. I hate to wait. Bleh.

That’s all for now. Going to take some time out with the husband this weekend and then concentrate on the house, so y’all have a good one without me. I’m sure I’ll be lurking at some point…

Short truth

I keep the really nice messages my followers send in my ask box for nearly forever, just so that I can reread someone’s nice words to me when I feel at odds with the world.

The Universal Truth of Motherhood

This is why you lock the door.
But yes, a thousand times, yes.

*Working my way back to upright*

Trouble 1 got a fever Sunday night and I stayed home with both little ones yesterday. High fevers still freak me out, and she got up to 103.8. Quick trip to the doc showed that it wasn’t strep, despite red throat ad swollen glands. She woke up today tired but fine.

I, on the other hand, lost this round of kid-plague-roulette. Or else I got food poisoning somehow. The nausea started around six last night, and by bedtime, I was on the bed, gritting my teeth not to puke. I hate to throw up. 

Not to be tmi, buy that was the start of 12ish hours of n/v/d that has made me feel like I’m dying. Seriously. After my last puke, I cried from my sore abdominal muscles and my husband had to help me back to bed because my legs were so weak. I’ve done nothing but lie in bed all day so far and my body aches like it’s been beaten. 

But back to the crackers…. I woke up slightly hungry and have managed to drink some Gatorade and get down a little chicken bullion and crackers. These are super salty but awesome.

I think I’ll be up in a little bit, but damn…. I’m NOT good at being the patient. I don’t usually get this kind of stuff and it sucks.

*Working my way back to upright*

Trouble 1 got a fever Sunday night and I stayed home with both little ones yesterday. High fevers still freak me out, and she got up to 103.8. Quick trip to the doc showed that it wasn’t strep, despite red throat ad swollen glands. She woke up today tired but fine.

I, on the other hand, lost this round of kid-plague-roulette. Or else I got food poisoning somehow. The nausea started around six last night, and by bedtime, I was on the bed, gritting my teeth not to puke. I hate to throw up.

Not to be tmi, buy that was the start of 12ish hours of n/v/d that has made me feel like I’m dying. Seriously. After my last puke, I cried from my sore abdominal muscles and my husband had to help me back to bed because my legs were so weak. I’ve done nothing but lie in bed all day so far and my body aches like it’s been beaten.

But back to the crackers…. I woke up slightly hungry and have managed to drink some Gatorade and get down a little chicken bullion and crackers. These are super salty but awesome.

I think I’ll be up in a little bit, but damn…. I’m NOT good at being the patient. I don’t usually get this kind of stuff and it sucks.

Intervention

The powers that be have decided to keep me out of trouble today by keeping my butt at home. Upside: no crazy confrontation with that heinous woman. Downside: it’s because Trouble 1 has another fever.

Damn this first semester of preschool. Building immune systems is hard.

Serious Sunday: “It’s just how people are”

That is not an excuse.

An ignorant person, that I unfortunately work in very close proximity to, made an extremely racist offhand comment/joke on Friday and I didn’t let it slide. I said something.

I didn’t berate her, or tell her what I really thought about how her ignorant and bigoted regurgitation of ridiculously outdated racial stereotypes made me want to throat punch her. Instead, I calmly said “You know, you really shouldn’t say that. It’s extremely racist.”

Let me interject at this point that this woman is classless and clueless, approaching 60 years old, with a very small town mentality. There have been numerous occasions when I or my 24 year old lab partner have gently told her that she might not want to say certain things because they could be taken wrong, and those things weren’t usually abut race. So it’s not unusual for me to say something like this, even though as I type it out, it seems a little arrogant and possibly disrespectful to my elders.

Anyway, she got huffy, didn’t give me a chance to explain why she shouldn’t say what she said, and stormed out. We didn’t speak for the rest of the day.

When I relayed the whole debacle to my lab partner, she just brushed it off. “People just say stuff like that. She didn’t mean anything by it. It’s just how some people are.”

Nope. Not acceptable.

She wouldn’t have made the same sort of “joke” regarding a more prominent minority, because we work in a racially diverse clinic. But she felt comfortable targeting another group because she grew up in a time that perpetuated old stereotypes, and because she didn’t see “one of them” anywhere around? That’s not okay.

I’m not sorry. I engaged my filter and removed my own feelings from the situation enough so that I was as diplomatic as possible, even though I DID take offense personally. My skin tone and eye color don’t tell the entire story of my heritage.

But I don’t need to show my family tree or prove what my DNA holds just to keep someone’s ignorance and hate from being voiced. It was a rude and nasty stupid comment, regardless of who was in the room.

I’m sure she thinks I was being snotty and touchy about a “harmless joke”. I don’t find anything harmless about bigotry so reflexive that it falls out of one’s mouth without thinking.

If that’s “just how you are”, then please don’t speak around me. At all.

Out of context five

My day has Sucked, with an intentional capital S, so here is something entirely different.

Five things that have been said to me recently that made me laugh:

* If the March Hare and the Mad Hatter had a love child…. Well… She’s an unfortunate looking individual. But she’s a nice lady. (bourbonismyspiritguide gets credit for this one)

** Mommy, I squirk you.

*** She has an atomic berdonkus.

**** Look! My poop looks like a puppy dog!

***** Don’t you hate when you’re humming along to something, and it gets to a high part, and you just end up sounding like a weird turkey?

Even I can’t make this shit up, folks….

Five.

1. During breakfast I had a sudden and freaky episode of swelly-tingly-burning hands, could barely bend my fingers, etc. Took some ibuprofen, and it’s better now, but the backs of my hands feel like they’ve got a thin layer of icy hot on them. I probably shouldn’t be typing on this damn phone, but being still between patients wasn’t helping, so I’m going to see if using them more loosens them up. And I already did all the RA screening bloodwork on myself and it’s negative. The doctor types I’ve spoken to say it sounds more nerve related, like peripheral neuropathy or perhaps circulatory, like Reynaud’s. They say to take careful notes and see if it happens again. Whee. I hate to wait.

2. “Outshined” by Soundgarden has some of the best and most hilarious lyrics ever. They will never get old to me.

3. Speaking of poop (you have to know the song from the previous number to get the transition): My little kids have had potty poop success two nights in a row. I am BEYOND thrilled. Seriously.

4. That last post from last night…. The one that started with a reblog about breakfast…. Yeah, that was hard for me to read, and to comment on, but it was one of those things that I couldn’t ignore. I am left with a tangle of feelings about it this morning, but I haven’t sorted them enough to say more. Perhaps I won’t.

5. Two weeks from this Saturday is departure time for vacation. I’m going to be counting down the minutes by the time I get to that point.

That’s all for now…. I’ll try to be more amusing later. Peace out, y’all.

monicalewinsky1996:

Trigger warning: Breakfast by Anonymous

This made me weep. For reasons.

It is how so very many of us cope. “It wasn’t ‘x’ because ‘y’ didn’t happen”. Or “I’m not a victim because I didn’t do/say ‘x’ and so I have no right to complain”. Or “I did ‘x’ and that makes me to blame, so it wasn’t like that”. Or maybe even, “We were a couple, and he loved me… he wouldn’t do something to hurt me”. And on. And on.

Sometimes compartmentalization means survival, though. And years later, when we manage to eat those eggs or hear that song or smell that cologne again, we can forgive ourselves for the lie, the falsehood we whispered to ourselves through tears, just to keep moving.